The following situation is instructive in dealing with parents or spectators when the game time question comes up:
In our league we have an All Stars game that consists of the best players from the league divided into two teams that play each other for a competitive, fun event. The first and second place coaches from the league that season coach the two teams. Since my team was first place, I got to coach. Fun game - was great to see opponents working together - was surprised at how well they played together. We lost 1-4, but hey, it was a nice day and we had fun. After the game I'm walking across the field and get cornered by someone I didn't know. He's telling me how much he appreciates my work and time and blah and blah and blah. I'm thinking something's up here. Then comes the "but". He tells me that some of the fans (strength in numbers) and him are disappointed that the league MVP goalie sat the bench during the first half. And he wouldn't let it go.
Some observations on how to discuss this game time question:
All the thanks and blah blah blah was just smoke for him to be critical. That cheapens the 'thanks' stuff. Also doesn't help his cause.
At one point I felt like saying, 'dude, I heard you the first time', but kept my mouth shut. Why do people like this need to say it over and over again? Because it's the only stick they have to beat you with. And if they beat you enough times with it, that will be your payment and maybe you won't do it again. Be polite and firm. Say, "thanks for your feedback and I'll consider what you've said" and walk away. You can break off the conversation if it keeps going.
It's funny - well not really 'funny' at the time - that he's mad at me because he had an expectation of me that he didn't tell me. People will have all kinds of expectations of you during the season that they don't communicate, but will let you know after the fact. It happens. Just be polite and let it go.
Note in this situation that the league hadn't set any expectations on me either. The league soccer board hadn't said what they expected me to do. So there are two important things to do in this situation: (1) write up what your expectations are and give back to the league board - shape the future of the program, and (2) you're the coach - you get to decide. When he's the coach and willing to spend 10-20 hrs per week, he gets to decide.
This guy didn't understand the bigger picture. This happens a lot. People will get into conflict with the coach over some specific situation, but not understand what else is going on. Turns out one of the other players from another team on my All Stars team was also a goalie, in fact he was the MVP goalie from the previous year and this was his senior year. I asked him if he wanted to play on the field and he said yes, so I played him in goal the first half and on the field half. I had asked the benched goalie if he wanted to play on the field and he said no. So he sat the bench. You don't need to explain the bigger situation - they usually don't care. They have some vested interest in some specific thing, so won't really care what you're up against.
I'm not sure what the goalie said to his fans, if anything, but I have noticed that a player will be disappointed, this transfers to the parents and they come after the coach. Don't cross Mamma-bear. Two problems with this: first, the player should be talking to the coach, this is how they learn to deal with authority and work out hard situations. Second, sometimes players need to just learn how to handle disappointment.
Along with expectations is the question of objective - what was the objective of the All Stars game? No one had specifically written that down, but from what I could gather it was to be a fun, competitive game to honor the best players in the league and get as much game time as we could for all the players. Again, this guy didn't get that.
Perhaps the bests advice in these situation is: Let it go. These kinds of situations will happen every year no matter how much you clarify and communicate. I had one situation 'game time' question, I got so mad and didn't let it go for a couple days. Not good. Getting mad just saps energy you'll need for other things.
Listen, I'm not saying I'm always right. I'm a new, volunteer coach. I will make mistakes. So I need to learn from feedback. I did process what this guy said and in hindsight I think I need to pay more attention to the All League players. In this situation I wouldn't have changed by decision. But as coaches, we do need to learn.
So it happens. It will happen every season. Be polite but firm. Let it go. You have bigger things to worry about.
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