How to Respond to Feedback - Part 2

In the last post I talked about how NOT to respond to feedback.  Let's talk about the right way.  Before we talk about specific steps for responding to feedback, there are some forces at work that are important to consider.

First, establishing a culture of feedback in our organizations is important for the success.  We need to see feedback as a positive thing, something that makes us as coaches better.  People see things that we don't.   The second force at work is that most people do a really bad job of giving feedback.  They work themselves up, thinking that being forceful will get their point across.  Some people give feedback through sarcasm.  That doesn't work because the person receiving the feedback just gets upset.  Sometimes people gossip, hoping the message will get through somehow.  Some people go on and on and on and on and on in their feedback, thinking that the more words, the better you'll hear.  And some people don't give feedback and just stew on it.  Like I said, most people are really bad at giving feedback.  Really bad.  The third force at work is that we're sinful people.  As coaches we can be arrogant, thinking that we don't need feedback.  I had one coach tell me he didn't need anyone to tell him how to coach.  Unless you're coaching Barcelona, you can always use some advice.  We are prideful and think feedback is an insult.  Some people use feedback to manipulate others.  And the list goes on.

With all this going on, how are we supposed to sift through this?  How do we sift through motives, sin, value, etc.?  Here's the key: you don't need to!  Feedback is not a contest you need to win.  This is so incredibly important that it's worth repeating: feedback is not a content you need to win, it's not a contest where there are winners and losers.  This is not an argument to be won.  Or lost.  Here is the most important thing about responding to feedback:

You don't need to respond!

Sure you need to think and pray about it, but when you get feedback, you don't need to have an answer for them, you don't need to justify what you did, you don't need to evaluate their motives, and you don't need to have an action plan for them.  So given this, here's what you do:

1. Smile!
That's right, smile at them!  When you smile, two things happen: first, you relax.  You facial muscles are tied in to your emotions and smiling helps you to relax.  Second, it helps the other person to relax.  If you're frowning at them, their going to feel defensive.

2. Thank them for the feedback
Doesn't matter how worked up they are or how crazy the feedback is, thank them for it.  They were concerned enough to share it with you that you should acknowledge their effort.  It will also encourage future feedback.

3. Ask clarifying questions
If there's something you don't understand, ask questions.  Get in the habit of always asking a question.  What their asking may not be really what their focused on or concerned about.  Asking question shows you're interested.  I'm not saying to ask questions to fake it.  Really, be interested.  Asking questions also is an exercise in humility - you clearly don't know everything, so ask.

4. Emergency?
If there's something at stake here - someone will get hurt, property damage is about to happen, etc. - you may need to act, so assess the risk and determine if you have to act quickly.

5. Watch you body language
If you're frowning, have your hips turned away from the person, have arms crossed, have a sneer on your face, etc., that sends a powerful message that you don't care, are angry, etc.  Avoid that.

6. Tell them you'll think about what you said
Really, you need to think about what they said, so tell them you'll do that.  This shows you care and also starts to draw the conversation to a close.  You need to mean this in a genuine sense.  You're not just blowing them off.  You're not committing to some action or that you'll report back.  It's just that - you will think about it.

7. End the conversation
If you understand what they've said, then it's time to wrap this up.  Some people will go on and on, thinking that the more they say, they more you'll be convinced or act on the feedback.  If they do go on and on, hold up your hand in a 'stop' position, say, 'thank you for your feedback back, I'm going to think about what you said.'  Smile, then turn and walk away.  If they keep going, keep walking and give them a wave and a smile.

Of course you're not done with the feedback.  Go pray about it and think through what they said.  Think about if it's a real issue or if there's something actionable.  Act if you need to act, don't if you don't need to.

One final word of advice: you will mess this up.  I've messed this up plenty of times.  It's usually because I tie my own worth to what I know or think the other person doesn't have the experience I have.  All arrogance.  So when you do get this wrong, don't worry about it.  Acknowledge you handled it poorly, then refocus for next time.

Bottom line:  This is not a contest.  This is not an argument to be won. You don't need to have an answer for the other person when they give feedback!  It's really freeing!  You just need to listen and thank them, and that's easy!  It takes the pressure off.

Responding to Feedback

Feedback is how we grow, yet too often we either give it poorly or receive it poorly.  This posting could have been titled "How not to respond to feedback"!  Here, we're going to focus on how to get feedback and start with some examples of how NOT to respond.  The focus here is also on getting feedback from other coaches.  In small Christian schools or home school leagues, there's often a requirement to provide feedback back on the team you just played in order to encourage a higher level of sportsmanship.

In our league, we fill out a sportsmanship form after we play another team.  The form is meant to provide each team with an assessment of the players, coaches and fans in order to promote sportsmanship.  That process of giving and getting feedback is an eye opener, to say the least!  Here are some lessons learned, specifically five ways to NOT respond to feedback:

1. Tit-for-a-tat
We had a situation where a player from the other team was swearing and trash talking.  When my guys came off, one of them said, 'man, you should hear the mouth on Alvin' to which the other guys immediately said, 'yeah, he was something'.  When the whole team spontaneously responds like that without being prompted, you know there's a problem.  So I filled out the form and noted what the player was doing - didn't over do it, just the facts.  The coach responded back that it didn't happen (see item #2) then started pointing out stuff I had done.  The message this sends?  This feedback thing is a competition to be won and that the emphasis on character building is just a show.

2. Pants on Fire
Suppose you gave me feedback on a situation and I said, "no, that didn't happen", what message would that send?  I'd basically be telling you that you're a liar, hence hiar-liar-your-pants-are-on-fire.  Telling someone their a liar, especially after they saw something that did happen, is a really, really bad idea.

3. Your Motive
What's the difference between the following: (a) your player repeatedly elbowed my player, and (b) your player was intentionally trying to hurt my player by cheating?  The first is a statement of fact.  The second is reading motive into the situation.  Maybe the player was trying to hurt someone, maybe they need to learn to keep their elbows in.  The problem with trying to determine someone's motives is that you can't, and the funny thing is that our motives are always right and can be explained but other people's can be questioned, which says something about our ability to judge motive.  Don't try and judge someone else's motive, just stick with the facts.

4. Spitting in the Wind
We had a situation once where a coach from another team announced, 'you know, you can't trust home school players because they stack the team with college players'  I was thinking, 'what is he talking about???'  Later I learned that the coach had asked one of our players if he was in college - the kid had a beard and looked older.  The player said yes - it was true: he was taking a couple classes at the local community college to finish up high school.  Was he 'in college', yes.  Was within the age limit - yes.  We check birth certificates as part of our registration process.  What the other coach should have done was come to me and asked me if the player was within league age guidelines, rather than just making some claim about home schoolers in general.  The comment didn't solve any issues and created unnecessary division in the league between home schoolers and those who were in private school.

5. War and Peace Response
I had a situation once where something un-sportsman like was going on.  The sportsmanship form asks us to rate the situation on a scale from 0 - 5 on this, so I gave them a 4 and made a note on what I had seen.  Not a big deal.  I got back an email from the opposing team explaining why this was, about the kids, yada, yada, yada, yada.  Why the war and peace response??  No need for it and comes across as unnecessarily defensive.

These responses don't build relationships, in fact, they poison them, making them harder to work in the future.

Okay, so that's how not to do it.  Next time I'll outline what you should consider when getting feedback!

The Sabbath

When you run a soccer program as a coach or board member, there is an important question you need to settle in your mind right up front: how will you treat the Christian Sabbath?  You really need to give this serious thought.  I once had a pastor tell me, "you can't do in seven days without a blessing what you can in six days with a blessing.'  Very true.

Our culture has dropped the idea that Sunday should be different.  I heard a preacher once say he didn't even know why we did worship on Sunday.  That guy was lost in his thinking and shouldn't have been in the pulpit.  This is typical of our culture loosing it's way.  At best we're just following what the culture tells us to do - not having thought about how Sunday fits into the Christian thinking, and at worst we have rejected the guidance of scripture deliberately.  There are two extremes at play here.  The first is that there is a legalistic approach that says, 'no sports on Sunday', and actually the list is much longer, no this, no that, and no to the other thing.  A long list.  The other end of extreme is that anything goes, which is really that we haven't thought about it.  Both are wrong and don't help us.

I can't layout all the doctrine regarding the Sabbath, but here's what I know:

We can't look to society to tell us how we should see and use the Sabbath.  Today's society has turned the Sabbath into another day to do stuff, our stuff, so we really need to think about this from a biblical perspective.  Our natural tendency is to be selfish and the Sabbath can be taken over by that selfishness.

The whole gospel story is around God coming to us when we we're totally and absolutely clueless about who God is and what he expects of us.  Totally.  In every way.  Clueless in the largest sense.  And that didn't change when He got our attention.  We continually need to rely on God to give us direction.  What we 'think' may be part of that cluelessness.  We rely heavily on the bible to provide instruction on all kinds of topics from worship practices, to relationships and to the Sabbath.

Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.  Israel was punished one year for every Sabbath they didn't keep.  So the Sabbath must be pretty important to God.  The Sabbath looked back to the completion of creation and looked forward to the coming of the Savior.  The Israelite couldn't see clearly what that coming meant.  We do.

It's interesting that we see the breakup of the family and the deterioration of society morals at the same time we have given up keeping the Sabbath.  There is a lot at stake here for our children.

There's one place in the bible where we see that God needed to heal the land from Israel's neglect of the Sabbath.  Not only does it impact our children, families, nation, and culture, but it also impacts the creation.  Maybe being a good environmentalist and steward of the world, starts with an understanding of the Sabbath.

All this is connected: family, salvation, creation, church, worship, the Sabbath.  All of it.  We can't compartmentalize one aspect of the Christian faith. 

So you can see this is bigger than just 'don't do sports on Sunday'.  There is something deep and important here that I'm totally incapable of drawing out it's richness.

Listen, I don't always to the Sabbath well.  It's a struggle.  Sometimes I'm lazy.  Sometimes I'm legalistic.  Sometimes I'm forgetful.  But that's where Jesus comes in - there's forgiveness and there are answers for those who ask.

So here's my advice:

Pray about how to use the Sabbath.

Do some reading.  Search the bible for references on the Sabbath and see what the bible has to say about this.

Read what others have said, try searching for "Westminster Confession of Faith Sabbath", it will be chapter 21.  Look at other works.  Stand on the shoulders of giants and don't just settle for "I think".

I would strong recommend protecting the Sabbath for you and your family.  Don't schedule soccer games and practices on this day.  Once in a while as a family activity is fine, but don't get sucked into using the Sabbath as another day to do your stuff.

Bottom line: You will impact your family, your children, and future generations based on how you keep the Sabbath.  Think through this carefully.  You got six other days to do soccer, stick to that.