Feedback is how we grow, yet too often we either give it poorly or receive it poorly. This posting could have been titled "How not to respond to feedback"! Here, we're going to focus on how to get feedback and start with some examples of how NOT to respond. The focus here is also on getting feedback from other coaches. In small Christian schools or home school leagues, there's often a requirement to provide feedback back on the team you just played in order to encourage a higher level of sportsmanship.
In our league, we fill out a sportsmanship form after we play another team. The form is meant to provide each team with an assessment of the players, coaches and fans in order to promote sportsmanship. That process of giving and getting feedback is an eye opener, to say the least! Here are some lessons learned, specifically five ways to NOT respond to feedback:
1. Tit-for-a-tat
We had a situation where a player from the other team was swearing and trash talking. When my guys came off, one of them said, 'man, you should hear the mouth on Alvin' to which the other guys immediately said, 'yeah, he was something'. When the whole team spontaneously responds like that without being prompted, you know there's a problem. So I filled out the form and noted what the player was doing - didn't over do it, just the facts. The coach responded back that it didn't happen (see item #2) then started pointing out stuff I had done. The message this sends? This feedback thing is a competition to be won and that the emphasis on character building is just a show.
2. Pants on Fire
Suppose you gave me feedback on a situation and I said, "no, that didn't happen", what message would that send? I'd basically be telling you that you're a liar, hence hiar-liar-your-pants-are-on-fire. Telling someone their a liar, especially after they saw something that did happen, is a really, really bad idea.
3. Your Motive
What's the difference between the following: (a) your player repeatedly elbowed my player, and (b) your player was intentionally trying to hurt my player by cheating? The first is a statement of fact. The second is reading motive into the situation. Maybe the player was trying to hurt someone, maybe they need to learn to keep their elbows in. The problem with trying to determine someone's motives is that you can't, and the funny thing is that our motives are always right and can be explained but other people's can be questioned, which says something about our ability to judge motive. Don't try and judge someone else's motive, just stick with the facts.
4. Spitting in the Wind
We had a situation once where a coach from another team announced, 'you know, you can't trust home school players because they stack the team with college players' I was thinking, 'what is he talking about???' Later I learned that the coach had asked one of our players if he was in college - the kid had a beard and looked older. The player said yes - it was true: he was taking a couple classes at the local community college to finish up high school. Was he 'in college', yes. Was within the age limit - yes. We check birth certificates as part of our registration process. What the other coach should have done was come to me and asked me if the player was within league age guidelines, rather than just making some claim about home schoolers in general. The comment didn't solve any issues and created unnecessary division in the league between home schoolers and those who were in private school.
5. War and Peace Response
I had a situation once where something un-sportsman like was going on. The sportsmanship form asks us to rate the situation on a scale from 0 - 5 on this, so I gave them a 4 and made a note on what I had seen. Not a big deal. I got back an email from the opposing team explaining why this was, about the kids, yada, yada, yada, yada. Why the war and peace response?? No need for it and comes across as unnecessarily defensive.
These responses don't build relationships, in fact, they poison them, making them harder to work in the future.
Okay, so that's how not to do it. Next time I'll outline what you should consider when getting feedback!
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