First, establishing a culture of feedback in our organizations is important for the success. We need to see feedback as a positive thing, something that makes us as coaches better. People see things that we don't. The second force at work is that most people do a really bad job of giving feedback. They work themselves up, thinking that being forceful will get their point across. Some people give feedback through sarcasm. That doesn't work because the person receiving the feedback just gets upset. Sometimes people gossip, hoping the message will get through somehow. Some people go on and on and on and on and on in their feedback, thinking that the more words, the better you'll hear. And some people don't give feedback and just stew on it. Like I said, most people are really bad at giving feedback. Really bad. The third force at work is that we're sinful people. As coaches we can be arrogant, thinking that we don't need feedback. I had one coach tell me he didn't need anyone to tell him how to coach. Unless you're coaching Barcelona, you can always use some advice. We are prideful and think feedback is an insult. Some people use feedback to manipulate others. And the list goes on.
With all this going on, how are we supposed to sift through this? How do we sift through motives, sin, value, etc.? Here's the key: you don't need to! Feedback is not a contest you need to win. This is so incredibly important that it's worth repeating: feedback is not a content you need to win, it's not a contest where there are winners and losers. This is not an argument to be won. Or lost. Here is the most important thing about responding to feedback:
You don't need to respond!
Sure you need to think and pray about it, but when you get feedback, you don't need to have an answer for them, you don't need to justify what you did, you don't need to evaluate their motives, and you don't need to have an action plan for them. So given this, here's what you do:
1. Smile!
That's right, smile at them! When you smile, two things happen: first, you relax. You facial muscles are tied in to your emotions and smiling helps you to relax. Second, it helps the other person to relax. If you're frowning at them, their going to feel defensive.
2. Thank them for the feedback
Doesn't matter how worked up they are or how crazy the feedback is, thank them for it. They were concerned enough to share it with you that you should acknowledge their effort. It will also encourage future feedback.
3. Ask clarifying questions
If there's something you don't understand, ask questions. Get in the habit of always asking a question. What their asking may not be really what their focused on or concerned about. Asking question shows you're interested. I'm not saying to ask questions to fake it. Really, be interested. Asking questions also is an exercise in humility - you clearly don't know everything, so ask.
4. Emergency?
If there's something at stake here - someone will get hurt, property damage is about to happen, etc. - you may need to act, so assess the risk and determine if you have to act quickly.
5. Watch you body language
If you're frowning, have your hips turned away from the person, have arms crossed, have a sneer on your face, etc., that sends a powerful message that you don't care, are angry, etc. Avoid that.
6. Tell them you'll think about what you said
Really, you need to think about what they said, so tell them you'll do that. This shows you care and also starts to draw the conversation to a close. You need to mean this in a genuine sense. You're not just blowing them off. You're not committing to some action or that you'll report back. It's just that - you will think about it.
7. End the conversation
If you understand what they've said, then it's time to wrap this up. Some people will go on and on, thinking that the more they say, they more you'll be convinced or act on the feedback. If they do go on and on, hold up your hand in a 'stop' position, say, 'thank you for your feedback back, I'm going to think about what you said.' Smile, then turn and walk away. If they keep going, keep walking and give them a wave and a smile.
Of course you're not done with the feedback. Go pray about it and think through what they said. Think about if it's a real issue or if there's something actionable. Act if you need to act, don't if you don't need to.
One final word of advice: you will mess this up. I've messed this up plenty of times. It's usually because I tie my own worth to what I know or think the other person doesn't have the experience I have. All arrogance. So when you do get this wrong, don't worry about it. Acknowledge you handled it poorly, then refocus for next time.
Bottom line: This is not a contest. This is not an argument to be won. You don't need to have an answer for the other person when they give feedback! It's really freeing! You just need to listen and thank them, and that's easy! It takes the pressure off.
No comments:
Post a Comment